foolishmortals | Forget all your troubles

[You wake up and instantly realize something is wrong.

There is a vague feeling of dread hanging in the air and, as comfortable as this bed is, there’s just something off about everything, even before you open your eyes. The dread only grows when you open your eyes and realize that you are in a completely unfamiliar room. One that has clearly seen better days at that.

As you explore your room, you will soon find a bedroom key resting on the dresser along with a note]

Welcome, esteemed guest, to our humble abode. We hope that you enjoy your stay in this Phantom Manor, as we expect you to stay with us for a very long time.

Feel free to make yourself at home as you enjoy what this manor has to offer, whether it’s the library, our projection room, or our famous wax museum. We’re sure you will find great joy

However, before you can get too comfortable, we ask you to please come to the portrait gallery at noon so we can discuss your stay here.

We eagerly await to meet you.

-Your Host

[The uncomfortable feeling doesn’t let up as you leave the safety of your bedroom. The manor seems old and decrepit, almost like it would fall over at the slightest breeze. Despite that, anyone who tries to escape will soon realize that the walls are unusually sturdy, and there are no doors that would seemingly lead to the outside world.

Still, at least you’re not alone in this scenario, if the other bedroom doors are any indications. Maybe there are a few more people coming out of their bedrooms too, so you have someone to talk toif you want to try to figure out what's going on. But if the 30 bios in the foyer hall are any indication, whoever has you here did not do this on accident. Whatever you’re here for, it seems like you’re here for a reason.

But hey, what’s the use of being pessimistic about this? Maybe it’s all an innocent situation… right?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Listen, Louis is just glad Kit's actually conversing with him like any other human being.]

Ooh! A prince! One of my friends is a prince--Prince Naveen, dunno if you've heard of him? Part of a country called Maldonia.

[because all princes know each other right]

Ah...no, not really! You'd think guys would be all over a jazz player, but most other gators like just layin' around in the sun and not doing anything. But, hey, I'm happy where I am.

[Look, when you don't know how to handle something, be polite at it. Clearly that is working great for him!]

I... haven't heard of him.

[Which is kind of weird considering 'other kingdoms' is a big part of what you learn in Prince Class, but maybe it's just too far away to be relevant? The world's a big place.

He also just completely glosses over 'guys' because surely that's a general term and not Implying Anything.]

And I'm sure that you'll meet a nice lady alligator one day! A musician with royal connections? You're a catch.

Ah. That's okay! It's a small country--only a few people know of it, actually.

[it's almost like it was made up or something]

....Oh. Oh! [Louis starts to laugh a little.] Oh, no, you've got the wrong idea. Y'see, I'm a...whaddya call it...? A confirmed bachelor.

Well, sure, with that attitude!

[It's Joke. He's being encouraging.]

....

Brother, it's slang. Fairy, pansy, nance, cream puff, fruit. Etcetera.

[This probably isn't helping.]

[It sure isn't. Kit is still smiling but now it's the kind of fixed, confused one you get when you are trying very hard to survive in a social situation that has just become weird.

He's too straight and sheltered for this.

Also who would ever in their right mind think that one day they would meet and have a nice conversation with a gay talking alligator.]

Sssslang. For...?

[Is he really going to have to spell it out for him?]

For...oh lord, do you really not know? For a guy who likes other guys, exclusively. No ladies, period. Just ain't my cup of tea.

[That's just how it is sometimes!!!!!!]

[IS THAT JUST HOW IT IS SOMETIMES? OH. Okay. Huh.

Well now who feels super foolish?]

Oh! Oh, no, I didn't. Know.

[I mean he supposes alligators are free to do whatever they like? They're alligators. Who could possibly tell them no?]

Well! I sure did just shove my foot right into my mouth, didn't I?

[HAHAHA, IT'S JOKE, please tell him he didn't legitimately offend the alligator]

[Technically, you could tell Louis no, but he'd be very sad and you'd probably feel guilty about making him feel this way.]

Nah, it's all good, it's all good! Just didn't realize you weren't in with the lingo.

[And how painfully heterosexual Kit is, but he'll get to that later. Time to (attempt) to make the conversation less awkward.]

I suppose bein' a prince doesn't really help you keep up with this sorta stuff. What kinda stuff do you do for entertainment, anyways?

...Please don't misinterpret that, I mean that in the tamest way possible.

[Louis. Sweetie. He's in a white wedding suit with brocade. Look at his dumb haircut. Does he look like a boy who is 'in with the lingo'?

Good god is he glad for a change of subject.]

Oh! Oh, well, I like to fence, and ride horses--

[... Is that weird to say to a talking animal?]

... with their permission, I mean. I guess that's sort of a pairs sport.

[He is really trying very hard to re-align his entire world into harmony with the knowledge that animals can talk and are presumably about as smart as people and it's putting things into a super weird light, okay?]

[Listen, he's only met one prince and even Naveen was somewhat aligned with what was hip and cool. But that was probably because he was also a jazz enthusiast.]

Well, I haven't really talked to horses too much, but I don't think they really mind about bein' ridden. They gossip a whole lot, though--you'd be surprised what they hear people sayin'. I wouldn't worry if I were you, though.

What's fencing, though? Do you just...build fences? Sounds boring.

[Yeah, Naveen was a playboy. Kit is a lot of things but good lord they had to have a party to force him to talk to girls.]

Oh no, no! It's a sport. Swordfighting, only friendly. [Totally sensible.]

And don't say anything in front of my horse I wouldn't want him repeating. Got it.

Holy COW! You sure that's safe? I mean, I'm sure it's fun and all, but...wow.

[Louis is not here for a sport that involves being poked by a sharp object. Or multiple sharp objects. Just...pain, in general. He tries to stay as far away from weapons as possible, though that's not always an option in Louisiana.]

What about music? What kinda music do you royals enjoy?

[Well he can't very well say 'classical' because of course, to him, it's contemporary.]

Nothing like what those pictures play. I haven't heard anything like that before.

[It's been... boy howdy it sure has been weird. Some of the songs are less strange than others, but the one associated with his own pictures was one of the most baffling to him.]

The pictures? You mean the things that play when you push the button? I like some of the stuff, but...sometimes I'll come across somethin' that sounds like it's from another planet.

[Namely the electronic ones. What the hey is a computer.]

You haven't even heard of jazz before? I'm surprised--it's all the rage these days.

Forget all your troubles

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i can't believe this is the direction this has gone in

[alex jones voice] the chemicals in the water turning the gators gay

Did you think I wouldn't do it

oh my god

that fucking icon is the epitome of smiling while your eyes are screaming

it sure is

it is day fucking one and already i have a reason for this icon

THANK fucking GOD

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