THIRD TRIAL

[imthetrashman]

[You guys are going kind of fast, huh?

There’s a banner up above the basketball court now that reads “GO MONSTARS - SMOKE EM OUT!”, in addition to the usual podium meddling. Aquaman’s podium has been replaced by a white piece of paper that reads “OUTRAGEOUS”. Bojack’s podium has been replaced by a full DVD boxset of The Bojack Horseman Show, while Sarah Lynn’s podium is now the rest of Bender’s body.

King Dice’s stand is now selling Cheetos. Go figure.]

C’mon, folks! Get to it!

Comments

[standsforrevenge]

YOU GUYS! It's not a mask!

[themightybeetle]

What's not a mask?

[thegreateggscape]

[Ginger gives a brief look around at the memorials for the deceased (and the cheetos) before hopping onto her podium with a heavy sigh. Today her scarf is tied up into a swollen bundle, which she sets down in front of her.]

First of all-

[She begins untying the bundle, revealing a pile of yellow humanoid teeth.]

Do these belong to anybody?

[in4apounding]

[Ew.]

I've got all mine? ...I think- [Penny kind of. Sticks a finger in her mouth and starts counting.]

[standsforrevenge]

Dude, sick.

[treefetish]

Maybe someone... won some teeth from gambling?

[bc god that's. a lot of teeth.]

[in4apounding]

[Sarah Lynn's "podium" is getting such a side-eye right now, you wouldn't believe. Except you probably can, because Penny's right there and you can see here, side-eying it.]

[She's fine.]

Miss Sarah Lynn was in a pretty bad state. It looked like maybe she'd been strangled?

[standsforrevenge]

Horsedude was fucked up, too. Like all of his bones were broken!

[studentbody]

Oh...ew. Who would do something like that? It's so...

[Cleo struggles for the right word for a second, flexing her hands demonstratively.]

...Hands-on.

[codeofhero]

[How tasteful, is all Dinobot can think to himself as he warily looks at Sarah Lynn's podium. Every day he hates this place a little more.

Time to focus, though. To work.]

While the rest of you were investigating the bodies, I was... doing reconnaissance. [sleeping] I happened across a blood trail in the street. It appeared as though something was being dragged from the gym to the basketball area.

...It was oddly sticky, as well.

[in4apounding]

Isn't blood usually kind of sticky?

[candymancan]

By the way, I went through Sarah Lynn's stuff.

[Just. Places the Bender Bong[tm] on the podium.]

This thing was loaded at the time- I think that when she left, she was expecting to come back. And not, you know. Die horribly.

There were also a few burnt joints in the room, and evidence that more than one person was getting high with her. I suppose she could have just trashed the place herself, but it seems more likely that she was with someone else.

Oh, and some letters, I guess.

[codeofhero]

Why would you bother to bring that all the way here?

[in4apounding]

After the trial can we actually bury Mister Bender's head or something instead of smoking out of it this time?

[udderly]

Letters?

[Otis checked out when he saw Sarah Lynn dead and is just now checking back in for real.]

[thegreateggscape]

What's a joint?

[fiftyyearspast]

I found a dumbbell covered in blood in the gym, which might be one of the murder weapons used on the Horseman.
Not too far from it was a punching bag set aside, as well as a pair of recently-used boxing gloves.

I also found strands of hair caught in what held up the punching bag.

[...]

[loneleye]

Hair or fur?

[treefetish]

Oh, good! [hair has always been so useful...] What did they look like?

let's herd some cats here

[in4apounding]

Okay, so- let's go over what we actually for sure know, I guess?

[Just let the blind lead the blind here, it's cool, it's fine.]

Miss Sarah's room was in a really bad state, and there was probably someone else with her, so- that proooobably happened first? I would think? The kitchen was really messed up too, and there were drugs in both places, but also a bag of teeth. Which we don't actually know where they came from.

Something really bad happened in the gym, or- kept happening, I guess, and got a lot worse, because it looks like Mister Bojack got hit with a dumbell a lot and the punching bag at least once, then dragged to the basketball court, because of the blood trail Mister Dinobot found. Which was. Stickier than it should be, I guess?

[She's still not sure what exactly the relative stickiness of blood is supposed to be, anyway. It's still gross.]

And at some point someone with human-looking hands strangled Miss Sarah, and then her body got. Kind of crushed, and left with Mister Bojack's body. Possibly with a piece of metal that was left between them?

....And this might have happened because someone really, really wanted Cheetos. Am I missing anything?

[thegreateggscape]

Someone had raided the fridge too...they might have been really hungry. There were pots and pans all over the floor as well, and blood, suggesting someone was hurt by one of them but there wasn't a lot of it.

1/2

[dothebackslide]

[Dan Backslide, a man, twirls his smokes around one after the other, tossing them to various people around the room. Beth, Kubo, Penny, Otis, everyone gets a cigar.]

I gotta admit! I’m impressed you can grasp this much. Goodness know you’re all just… COMPLETELY deprived of anything resembling toony.

I mean, god, look at you. This one [pointing at Penny] is talking about reality. Like THAT'S supposed to apply here.

[He suddenly seems to get very sad, his expression fading into something more serious. He looks at his last smoke almost ruefully.] I mean… are any of you even real toons? Have you ever squashed and stretched? Have you ever tried a disguise? Have you ever made an inanimate object do unusual things that defy all human laws of physics and capabilities?

I suppose none of you could really understand. Too busy being all… serious. All sad. Cause that worked so well last trial, huh? Really showed Swackhammer. Honestly children, it's so much easier when you learn not to sweat things like that. Take a ride on east street. Stop caring. You’ll be much happier.

...much happier.

[He takes another drag from the cigarette, quiet as can be. The smoke billows about from the tobacco in between his fingers.]

[dothebackslide]

[And then he crushes it in his hands. The smoke swirls around his grip, clouding his entire body. He disappears completely from sight, as if consumed by his own tobacco. The foul stench surrounds the podiums, second hand smoke everywhere. Finally, he emerges with a mighty THUMP (a word that floats into the air above the others) as slams his hand down onto the podium. His eyes are wild and red, looking at every single face dead on, a grin displaying his full-toothed grin. His yellowing teeth seem like they should be cracking from the sheer strain of maintaining that large an expression.

His body in general is just off, moving too fast or too slow depending on the moment. Some motions repeat, some seem to be skipping in step. Like he’s moving past or abandoning little frames in time. And as a result, his animated movements somehow both limited and expansive at the same time.

He arms suddenly jump to an outstretched position and his grin is even wider, but without the moment where his hands traveled from the position on the table to its current placement. You don’t remember how he got into that pose. Does he know how he got into that pose? He laughs even louder, grin so frighteningly wide.]

ALRIGHT THEN! I CAN SEE I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TEACH YOU HOW TO BE TOONS!

SO IF YOU’RE READY TO TRY AGAIN….

LISTEN CLOSELY!!!!!!!

[He cackles wildly, with a AHAHAHAHAHAOHOHOHOHOHHEEEHHEHEOHOHHHAHAHASDKLFASLKDJFALSDKJFALSKDJFALSK;DFJSADSLK;FJASLKDFJALSK;DJF that descends into nonsense (but somehow with a bouncy and rhymic beat) somewhere in there. Nothing he’s doing obeys anything in sound, sight, mind, or idea.

But maybe that’s just the kind of person he is.

Dan Backslide. Coward. Bully. Cad. Thief. Archenemy of the Dover Boys.

Toon.]

VOTING

[imthetrashman]

Alright, that was all well and good! Glad Chuck Jones’ illegitimate son got his Cheetos.

Now input your votes, sponsored by Swackhammer Vape Pens(c)!

[carbonairhead]

[ like damn immediately: ]

>DAN BACKSLIDE

EXECUTION: That's all, folks! (cw: bisection)

[imthetrashman]

[Dan Backslide, coward, bully, cad, and thief. He had truly proven to live up to all of his titles over the course of the trial, and thus, it was time to recognize them all in one fell swoop. He disappears in a cloud of smoke, the cloud forming the word "EXECUTION" in the process. That seems like a real neat coincidence, huh?

When the lights come back up on him, Dan is seen seated in the front seat of a large purple roundabout. It's a callback, but it seems appropriate that his very last gag would be a reprise of an old favorite. A real crowd-pleaser. He takes the wheel of the roundabout, cackling maniacally, and he tries to put the petal to the metal. See ya later, suckers! He's outta here, he's gone for good, he's - he's strapped down. He's strapped to the seat and the wheel and the gas petal are for show.

Hey, we're getting into a rut!

The car suddenly drives forward, uncontrollably, around the room. It's enough to make someone sick, especially at the speed it's going. It moves at roller coaster esque speeds, practically causing Dan to practically fall backwards into his seat, at the whims of the cruel mistress that is toon gravity. It's certainly a bit difficult to imagine this as an execution, though, it actually looks kind of fun!

...Especially when a tunnel pops up in front of Dan! It looks like he's going to get out of here after all, he's driving straight into that tunnel! Look, there's even a joint at the end of the tunnel! Oh, the humanity! Sweet Mary Jane, there she is! Here he comes, you beautiful leafy mistre- aaaanddd the tunnel was painted! Of course, classic! The car slams into it full force, immediately wrecking it.

The sudden whiplash should be enough to kill someone, but not Dan, that toon is resistant. He's instead ejected from the vehicle upon impact, flying forward into a very conveniently located hole.. The toon physics he prided himself on manage to leave him stuck square in the middle of that hole, his legs stuck dangling on the other end. He looks rather like a bear stuck in a hole after eating too much hunny.

But he gets the gag, and he laughs. What a way to go! His last words, winded, and full of breath, ring crystal clear. He takes one last puff of a cigar, exhaling, and the words he says form into smoke as he says them:

"THAT'S ALL, FO-"

He never gets the chance to finish that word, as the hole closes midword. Dan is split in half, both ends falling out of the hole and towards the ground, causing a pool of ink-like blood to splatter all over the immediate area. But more importantly, it leaves that smoky "FO" hanging there awkwardly.

Thanks for nothing, Daniel.]