Mock Gaiden Trial

[superstarlineup]

[After everyone has finished investigating the horrendous death of a poor dog (and also a couple of disasters who somehow gotten themselves killed, everyone will hear a loud click from the direction of Superstar Studios. A few moments later, the Agent’s voice is heard.]

Ok that’s enough rehearsal there! Time for the show! Everyone break a leg okay?

[As everyone enters the Studio, the first thing that hits them is the blinding lights, making it impossible to see anything for the first few moments.

Once their eyes adjust, they’ll realize that they are definitely in a really tacky movie studios. There are some cheap cardboard cutouts of monsters and city skylines, cameras that look pretty out of date, and the whole place looks like it was built on a shoestring budget.

In the middle of the studio there are rows of directors chairs for every guest that woke up here, with Rod, Ghost Host, and Stan’s chairs just knocked over. In front of them stands the Agent, grinning in an extremely uncanny way.]

I’m impressed! Three bodies is impressive after that first week of nothin’! I’m gonna make sure that culprit gets an extra special reward if they manage to get away with it.

[A small pause, then:]

Okay, my shining stars. You all have to figure out who killed your fellow actors so they don’t get away with it! If they do, they get their reward while everyone else will be punished instead.

There’s no set time limit, but make sure you don’t make it borin’. The cameras are rolling and I ain’t going to let the people watch another boring average reality show!

Comments

[stinkypete]

[Pete's somehow shown up at the trial. A sleeping mask sits on top of his head and he yawns, taking out a fistful of popcorn...or...what looks to be packing peanuts, actually from his pocket and stuffing it into his mouth.]

Can't we just get this over with? I wanna see what punishment th' guy gets.

[mostwantedfrog]

Why are you eager for own punishment?

[he does take a piece of "popcorn", though, and grimaces at the taste.]

[poewned]

[Poe's at his director's chair, sitting as stiffly as he can in this stupid creaky poorly-constructed furniture, and looking deeply unhappy.]

We can't really be expected to solve three murders on the spot, that's ridiculous even if we weren't a bunch of untrained civilians!

[superstarlineup]

I guess you could just sit there and let a murderer get away with no repercussion, but that ain't good television!

[allknowledgegoodknowledge]

[....Well, I mean, if they aren't using them, Eclipsa's going to take one of those spare chairs to rest her feet on.]

Ah, a real Tardy Boys or Miss Marble mystery then? How thrilling.

[Five second pause as her expression falls slowly.]

...I don't really know how mysteries go, I assume clues of some kind? Is that something we have?

[superstarlineup]

Right on the money, toots! There should be plenty of clues around to help ya solve the case.

[feudalladyshandmaid]

If we don't have evidence, then were going to be stuck for sure.

[dannydorito]

What mystery? Fishbowl finally snapped and beat some of you chumps to death, she was right by the scene of the crime.

[Makes sense to him, anyway.]

Looks like she gave Fake Stan a real beating, too, he was CRAZY messed up even aside from the one that did him in.

[...It was some defensive wounds on his body.]

[allknowledgegoodknowledge]

...Yes, well, not to dismiss every theory, but I'm not one hundred percent convinced Leota has quite the upper body strength for that.

[regionsbeyond]

[this shit again huh]

If it was I who was responsible, why would I choose to remain at the scene of the crime and potentially incriminate myself?

here kitty kitty

[regionsbeyond]

Before we start making more ridiculous accusation, perhaps we ought to re-examine what we know for certain. [aka she's not here for Bill pointing any more fingers at her, thank you very much]

Our monochromatic affiliate was, presumably, killed with a... fax machine. It seems reasonable to assume this was achieved through brute strength, but we shouldn't disqualify other options. Either before or after this occurred, the tarot table was broken when he collapsed onto it.

The dog had, from what I understand, wounds on his body that were most likely defensive, despite his death more than likely being caused by blunt force trauma, from all appearances. Aside from that, we have broken glass to consider as well as the green fabric- two variations, each found at a different crime scene.

Unless there is anything else we ought to make note of, it may be beneficial to work out whether or not these incidents were at all connected.

[allknowledgegoodknowledge]

...There was another thing of note with Mr. Narrator, now that I think of it. His blood was pitch black, yet the fibers I found were in some red blood. I'm not sure if it came from Stanley, our spectral friend, or someone else.

[awardnothawk]

What happened to the ghost guy?

[orwellgirl]

The broken glass was from where your twin sister totally smashed me in the head!

So, really, that's, like. Four murders. Whoever did this had to be amazingly bored.

Voting Time

[superstarlineup]

[Suddenly there is an applause coming from the Agent.]

Now that's what I call show business! It got a little weird at the end there but we'll get that in editin'.

Now, let's get ready for the finale! Fill your vote out on these [He just... dumps a stack of notebooks and pens on the floor in front of them.] And we'll see who will get executed!

[orwellgirl]

[...]

Wait, what's going on? [what are they.... voting for....]

[stinkypete]

Finally! Audience participation!

[Pete takes a pen and immediately scratches out a name--]

FROG AND NERD

[...Um. Close enough. He spends the rest of the time crumpling the paper in his notebook into balls and chucking them at anyone nearby, then looking away and whistling when they glance his way.]

[awardnothawk]

[picks the pinkest, glitteriest pen and writes in the biggest, most flourished cursive:]

Matt Vogel and Constantine

[dannydorito]

[Bill promptly enters two votes.]

-Mike Wazowski Puppet Thing
-Dude With His Hand Up Mike Wazowski's Butt

[allknowledgegoodknowledge]

Oh, ah... alright.

[She'll pick the purple marker then!]

Frogurt and his dad

[orwellgirl]

the frog parasite and its boring host

I can keep this, right? [raises the hand of ghostave's crumpled corpse] I'm keeping it either way.

[feudalladyshandmaid]

[Ah, a quill that doesn't require ink. Perfect. Cass just quickly jots down-]

Matt and his freaky frog, Constantine

[And enters her vote.]

Well. This sure was... an experience.

[noweenies]

[She takes her time picking a notebook and pen, just to delay this. She's too young for jury duty!

But right is right. Eventually, she writes in it--]

Constantine and his Pupeteer

EXECUTION: The Lives Don't Matter!

[superstarlineup]

[The Agent takes the notebooks, looking them over for a good moment before tossing them over his shoulder.]

Eh, close enough. Constantine and his weird puppeteer, you’ve been found guilty of the murder of yadda yadda yadda. Now time for the grand finale!

[The lights dim for a moment, and when they come back one, Constantine and his puppeteer vanish. The Agent is gone as well, with the area where he was sitting now replaced with a giant, but poorly made soundstage. Cheery music starts playing as a spot light shines down on the front of the soundstage, showing Matt sitting on a folding chair, Constantine now in his hand again and “sitting” on the chair next to him. Both of them are handcuffed which looks extremely awkward on Matt’s end

In the other chair seats two cardboard cutouts of a bald man and a really tall man, and to the side of them is a table, with… a really terrifying plasticy Drew Carey animatronic.

As the music ends, he speaks:]

Welcome everyone to Whose Line is it Anyway, where everything is made up and the points don’t matter. Much like how our new contestant’s life don’t matter anymore.

[Canned laughter]

This episode is actually a very special one because today is the special “Execution” episode of Whose Line, where two of our contestants will end up as dead as the poor souls they murdered last night.

[A voice comes from the bald cardboard cutout.]

“Now if only we could have an Execution episode of your role in Geppetto”

[Canned cheers and laughter.]

And for that Colin starts the game with -1000 points, and will be the one executed if he’s not careful.

[The canned cheers become louder.]

Now onto our first segment: [Drew Carey pulls a hat out from under the table.] Scenes From a Hat! If you don’t know how this game works then you can just leave now because frankly we don’t want you here.

[Constantine/Matt seems to take that as encouragement to try to escape, ad they jump up and try to run off the stage… only to run straight into a glass wall to seemingly surrounds the stage

There is canned laughter at this.]

The game hasn’t even started yet and already we’ve had our first injury, at this rate this episode is going to be only five minutes long!

[The animatronic Drew Carey drags Matt/Constantine back center stage, and goes back to the hat to pull out a note from it.]

Alright first scene: What is the worst last words you could say while being murdered?

[Drew Carey tosses the note and reaches into the hat again to pull out a knife, advancing back towards the puppet and puppeteer duo.

Constantine looks to the audience and speaks.]

“You are all hacks, goodbye,”

[Canned Laughter. Drew Carey can’t help but laugh either, before he chops off Matt’s hand holding Constantine. Constantine goes limp as Matt screams in horror. The scream is quickly cut off, however, as Drew Carey continues to stab Matt in the chest. He stabs an almost comically large amount of times and by the end of it, Matt’s chest looks more like a bloody pile rather than his body.

The canned audience laughs the entire way through this. Eventually the Drew Carey animatronic gets up, covered in blood and picking up the Constantine puppet.

The canned audience starts chanting “Stab the doll!” and Drew quickly stabs the evil Kermit doll multiple times, pulling out all the stuffing as he does so.

The audience roars in cheers as Drew finally drops the doll]

Well I guess I was right about this episode only being five minutes long. Looks like we should have added more games before getting to the good part.

[The tall cutout “speaks”.]

“You should have killed him during Hoedown. The normal games already make me want to die.”

[Angry Drew Carey animatronic looks terrifying.]

Tune in next time of Whose Line: Execution Edition where we murder Colin and Ryan after all these years!

[He throws the hat at the audience as the scene dims down with canned applause.]

[allknowledgegoodknowledge]

...Well.

This airport certainly isn't getting a positive review from me now.

2/2

[spacejacket]

[The lights slowly fade up and in again as the music fades out, and standing where the soundstage and the agent once stood is... well, you might be expecting someone ghostly, or someone Vincent Price-ish, or maybe even some kind of animatronic! Or a god, or a classic villain...



It's none of those things. It's...

Hugh Laurie in a weird jacket??]

I knew you all wouldn't let me down.

[allknowledgegoodknowledge]

...I've never meant this in my life, but thank goodness someone normal is here.